i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
