she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
