I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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