I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
