i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
