I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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