Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
