Your face is a jimmy john
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
