I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
