So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
