I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.