I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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