I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
