break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
