She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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