Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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