im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
