Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
