Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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