I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
