i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
