I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
