I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
