i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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