speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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