Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
