What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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