Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
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I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everclear isn't food dammit
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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