Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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