doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
