Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
