a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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