Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
