Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
