Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
