Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
