Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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