Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
