I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
