On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
this will be a night to untag.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
