did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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