3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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