Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.