ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
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I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.