I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
