She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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