Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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