So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
