I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
