I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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