Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
