The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Text me some of your sweat
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