Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
