I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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