I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize